Well, here I am typing up my very first post in my brand new super-secret livejournal. It feels like I'm a million miles away from where I was when I posted my first entry in my other account, and yet like I haven't gone anywhere. Right now I'm sitting in a library, watching the clock disdainfully and wishing it to start ticking backwards.
Maybe this entry should be an introduction to me at my current state rather than what’s actually going on today. Hmmm…
So it all began on a dreary Louisiana night. Ok, so this time around it began on a dreary Louisiana night. Last time was a slowing Washington, DC day, the time before was a sunny Florida morning. Not the point, but kind of the point. Anyway, dreary Louisiana night. The power was out, as it so often was when it was storming. Two fucking lovely ladies I met a few weeks prior had just helped me move almost all of my belongings into storage and we were hanging out by candle light. I had recently lost my job, and my boyfriend of four years (we’ll call him Bitter-Ex) had moved in with his mother since she said she could get him a job. I was going to pack all our things and move in with them in a few weeks.
Blah, blah fucking blah. This is going to take forever to tell. So, he dumps me via fucking e-mail. Leaving me homeless and damn near penniless. Nice, huh? After I’d been supporting his unemployed ass for years. Years! Well, I only knew a few people in Louisiana since I’d only been there for about three months and damned if I was living in my car in Louisiana in May. So the wanderlust wins again.
Now here I sit, in September in Ohio, wondering if this really is a means to an end, or if I’m just telling myself a clever lie. Am I scared, too scared to know it? Sometimes it’s hard to admit, but I think I’ve been on the road my whole life in one way or another. I don’t know if I can stop, or if I want to.
There’s a boy in Louisville I like, there’s a boy in Cleveland who likes me and both of which make me want to run away. The wind blows west, and I want to wander west. How long can I be alone? There were many hard parts to ending a long relationship, one of which was realizing that it ended a long time before he sent that e-mail. We could hold each other at night, yet I was still alone. There was a boy in Florida who liked me when was still dating Bitter-Ex. He was passionate in a way that Bitter-Ex never was, yet I had to turn him down. Stupid morals and loyalty and shit. He told me I was lucky to have someone in my life I cared so much about, and for an instant I had no idea who he was talking about. When he told me he was referring to my boyfriend, I told him sometimes I think he’s just there so I’m not so alone. I’m a shitty person.
How do you run away from running away?